The Best Way To Handle Co-Parenting This Holiday Season
You and your ex-partner both love your children. However, co-parenting around the holidays can reopen old wounds. Suddenly, you realize you won't necessarily see your little angel come downstairs to see what Santa left on the big morning this year.
This season, resolve to make things as joyous as possible by communicating openly and coming up with a manageable plan with your ex. Yes, your formal separation agreement, if you have one, might outline the specific duties of each parent. However, civilly discussing arrangements benefits everybody — especially the kids. And that's who it's all about.
1. Pick the Right Medium for the Message
How is your relationship with your ex? Do you maintain a cordial friendship, or does the mere mention of their name make your blood pressure rise? If it's the former, feel free to chat by phone or in person. However, if your relationship is contentious, choose your medium for communication more selectively.
You might decide to communicate via email, instead of a series of short text messages that are easy for your former partner to misinterpret. Alternately, you can invite a neutral third party to accompany you if you must see your ex in person. That way, you have a witness if they try to gaslight you. The presence of an outside party generally helps regulate tempers.
2. Keep the Communication Kid-Focused
Sure, maybe you're dying to know all about who your ex is dating now. However, it's not your place to meddle in their business, and doing so could create unnecessary tension. Do speak openly about subjects like upcoming sporting events or holiday bashes. After all, your primary reason for communicating with them is to establish a schedule for the season.
Resist the urge, though, to ask them about their plans that don't involve your mutual children. If they insist on waxing on about their upcoming trip to Aspen, let them. However, avoid intimate conversations about who is going with them on their journey.
3. Lay the Ground Rules
The more detailed you can be when discussing matters like leeway on holiday bedtimes and setting limits on sugar consumption, the better. If your kids need to hit the hay by 9 p.m. at your house, but have no such rule with your ex, you can expect resentment. Tears and arguments are hardly the stuff of seasonal cheer.
When you discuss your holiday scheduling with your ex, include the following.
What time is bedtime: It doesn't have to take place at precisely the same time, but to instill good sleep hygiene, try to keep it as consistent as possible.
What, if any, foods are off-limits: If you recently adopted a vegan lifestyle, you overstep your boundaries if you insist your ex's family serve meat-free dishes at their gatherings. However, if you know more than three cookies make Johnny uncontrollable, set limits that apply to both households.
What supervision is necessary when children are with friends: You can stress yourself out worrying about what time older children return home from a date. You feel even more anxious when you don't know who they're with or how long they'll be out. If your children are old enough to pursue independent activities, establish ground rules for making parental contact and which adults must remain present.
How much screen time can they have: Many children ask for video games for the holidays, and of course, you want to indulge their urge to play with their new toy. However, too much screen time can affect developing brains, so establish reasonable limits.
4. Coordinate Gift-Giving
Maybe your ex can afford to give your children a new gaming console, while you struggle to provide a few new outfits for school. Tempers can flare if one parent has a significantly higher income than the other. Discuss spending limits in advance.
Depending on the quality of your relationship with your ex, you may decide to pool your money and divvy up the gifts equally. This technique helps one parent avoid feeling inadequate if they can't provide everything on their kid's wish list.
5. Create Contingency Plans and Involve Family
The suggestion to involve family members in your holiday co-parenting plan depends on your relationship, too. Perhaps your former in-laws played a role in the dissolution of your relationship. If so, you might resent their input on where the kids spend their time. Remember, though, even if you have a contentious relationship, your children may adore their grandparents. Don't make them the rope in a game of tug-of-war. Compromise — if they get a few extra hours at your ex's holiday bash, you get additional time the following week.
The best-laid plans of all families can go awry. What procedure will you follow if your ex has too much to drink at a holiday gathering and can't safely drive the kids home? Will you rush to pick them up? Will you call for an Uber? What if inclement weather delays the kids' return to school and your ex has to work? Who will care for the children during snow days?
Successful Co-Parenting Makes for a More Joyous Season
You can enjoy the spirit of the season even though you and your partner are separated. By using the tips above, you can ensure a safe and happy holiday for the whole family.