Common Mistakes To Avoid When Dealing With Cheating

It can be a stab in the back to discover that the person you are deeply in love with has been playing away from home. It is perfectly normal that the news had shocked you a lot so that your faith in happy marital life was greatly shaken. 

When you are betrayed, you are very likely to go through a range of emotions, including disappointment and anger, which, however, don't give a true picture of the current situation and thus don’t allow you to think straight. Perhaps now you are struggling to fight the truth, while also trying to sort out your thoughts. Below, there are a few pitfalls you should avoid to cope with this new reality in a healthy way.

Making drastic decisions

You discovered that your better half had a bit on the side. You feel lost and confused. The emotions you are currently going though prevent you from thinking straight and thus you are very likely to shoot from the hip. However, after you caught your spouse cheating, it is not the best time for making important decisions. You may want to ask your betrayer to leave, begin looking for online divorce help, send your kids to their grandparents, and so forth. While these actions may seem to be logical, you should restrain yourself from taking them whatever it costs.

Your aggressive behavior will only confuse you and thereby make it more difficult for you to deal with the current situation. And if you want to give your marriage another chance, taking the above-mentioned actions will only make it harder, if not impossible, for you to heal from the unfaithfulness. 

Sharing with others

As soon as you discover your spouse’s new flame, you may want to share this news with others. But if you think that letting others be aware of all your marital problems will make it easier for you to resolve them, you are so wrong. Sharing with others and getting them involved in your problems may influence your opinion so that it will be even more difficult for you to sort out your thoughts.

Moreover, you haven’t decided yet whether you want to fix your marriage or start preparing superior court divorce forms. You are not sure whether your spouse wants to end that extra-marital affair or is going to leave you. If your friends know about your marriage crisis, it will make dealing with it even more complicated. If your spouse’s new flame has a family too, then it is going to be really hard for all.

Let us say, if you tell your best friends about the affair, they may become hostile to your spouse. And if you decide not to start preparing court divorce forms in order to save your family, they may never forgive your betrayer. Just imagine a few months from now when you and your significant other healing from this unpleasant situation. You are committed to each other and become even closer than you were before the incident. However, given your friends’ negative attitude toward your spouse, you, your significant other, and your friends cannot spend time together anymore.

Nevertheless, you can talk to a therapist when you feel like you cannot go without any support. Being bound by ethical codes, this expert will not spill the beans to anybody, -- be totally sure about it. 

 Attacking your spouse’s secret lover

It is perfectly normal that you hate your spouse’s new flame. This person can be a threat not only to your family's happiness but also to your kids' wellbeing. However, attacking him or her may have legal consequences, and breaking the law will neither help your situation nor make it easier for you to forgive your betrayer faster.

If you don’t exclude the possibility of reuniting with your spouse, the latter must take full responsibility for cheating first. Of course, there probably are many more things that should be considered when two people want to save their marriage; however, for now, both of you should focus on nothing but the act of cheating.

If your spouse is not going to hold themselves responsible, then there are no guarantees that this person will not cheat on you again. In this case, reflect seriously on whether you want to save this relationship or not. Keep in mind that living with such a person is like building a sandcastle – your family's happiness can be “washed away” any minute. And if you feel like you need to blame someone, then this someone should be your partner and not his or her lover; otherwise, you will send your spouse a message saying that you are okay with what he or she has done.

Not watching your mouth

If you believe that your marriage can be saved and thus you are not going to get divorce papers, then you and your better half shouldn’t neglect to discuss what has happened. You should have lots of discussions about your marriage crisis no matter how uneasy you two feel. To successfully recover from betrayal, you should avoid the trap of speaking badly about the current situation; otherwise, things will get even worse.

When discussing your spouse’s extra-marital affair, make sure that you don’t:

·       threaten anybody;

·       blame yourself for what has happened;

·       blame the “other” person;

·       convince your spouse that he or she will not be able to end the affair;

·       ask your spouse to hurt the “other” one on purpose. 

 To survive the betrayal, you should discuss what your unfaithful spouse has done. To recover from one, you must carefully measure not only what “you should say” but also what “you shouldn’t.”