Mom’s Say: Handling Sibling Rivalry
No one likes being anyone’s second choice, not even kids. Getting one’s children to love a new member is not always easy, especially when they are used to being the only ones. Coming back from the hospital with a baby can mean a lot of things to other children. It’s either a ‘Hey, my new sister’s here!’ or a few glances and retreat to the bedroom. It could also start one way and end in another.
It is a mother’s job to make sure that all her children fee equally loved and appreciated without ignoring any or making them feel left out. Here are a few tips to help restore peace in the house and put an end to sibling rivalry:
EQUAL TREATMENT
It goes without saying that parents should treat all their children equally. It is important to understand that every child is different in their own ways, and no two, even identical twins, will ever be the same.
Children have different abilities, interests, capabilities, reactions, understanding, aspirations and approaches to things in life. Favoring one child over the other is sure to get noticed and will certainly be met with some bitter feelings. Depending on how they are handled, such feelings could find their way to adulthood.
Equal treatment means understanding each child individually, shining on their strengths and helping other siblings learn to do the same. Rewards should be earned and punishment should also be well deserved.
TAKE TURNS GIVING ATTENTION
Much as parents try, it is almost impossible to give all children the same undivided attention all the time. One will always feel left out at any given moment and soon they’ll be ganging up against one of the siblings.
The key to handling this is giving each one undivided attention in turns. It does not mean completely ignoring others. To illustrate this, consider having to multitask and fry three eggs on different cookers at the same time. While you turn one, you lower the heat on the rest and let them cook slowly. When you move to another, you lower the heat on the first and turn it up on the second.
This basically means that for every child take time to focus on them and know a bit more about what is going on in their lives. Do the same for every other.
AVOID COMPARISONS
Never, ever, compare your children. Do not make any one of them feel weaker or less clever than the other. Instead, bring out their strengths. Show them that their different using their strengths and not their weaknesses. If one is doing well in academics and the other is excelling in sports, help them see that difference in terms of their strengths and different capabilities. This will go a long way in helping them to understand why they can all do well in the same thing, and what they should focus on to be stronger.
While you are at it, make sure that you don’t let other people compare your children. Defend them if other people offer unsolicited opinions on what they are doing wrong, or why they are not succeeding at something. People from the outside can also influence the way your children view each other. You may not be able to protect them from such opinions forever but by the time you can’t, you would have made them understand that such views don’t really matter.
BE THERE FOR THEM
Children have a hard time processing and understanding their emotions. This is especially the case at around four to eight years. They experience new feelings and are bombarded with many emotions and they don’t know how to handle them. This generally results to frustration which only gets worse during puberty. Anger is especially a dangerous driver that can take very many destructive forms in the teenage years.
The best way to get through this is by tackling it at its root. Be there for your children when they are going through such emotions, especially strong ones that compel them to react. Help them understand why they are feeling that way, and how they should go about it. If feelings such as anger, embarrassment and frustration have anything to do with their siblings, help them correct the situation and understand it. You don’t want your child to grow up with a grudge against a sibling.
HELP THEM GET EXCITED ABOUT A NEW SIBLING
Imagine walking around the house, heavily pregnant with your maternity clothes on and your kid just doesn’t look pleased with the idea of a baby in the house.
You can change this by showing them all the good things coming with the baby. For example, tell them how they are going to be a big brother. This will help them start feeling protective and even more grown up. Show them how much fun it is going to be to play with their new sibling.
While you are at it, get them involved in planning for the baby’s arrival. Let them help decorate the baby’s nursery and even choose the first clothes. Let them do some shopping for the baby and you’ll be amazed at their reaction when the said baby finally comes home.
You should also encourage the siblings to spend some quality time together. If it is with a baby, get them on a baby play mat and let them engage in safe and fun games. If they are all a little grown up, take them out or have them go out on a sibling date, shopping, trip or adventure together. Such moments help to create special memories that will often rise above any rivalries.
In conclusion, sibling rivalry is normal and happens quite often in many families but it should never be let to thrive. If you notice the slightest bit of it in your house find a way to end as soon as possible. It could develop to a full blown hatred in adulthood, not to mention the malicious competition and strain on relationships along the way.